Monday, 14 November 2011
Sunday, 13 November 2011
So, I finished the week's detox and on the last morning felt really apprehensive about coming back. I had absolutely no idea what it would be like. I looked around at the bubble I'd been in and said my goodbyes - and it really was a bubble. You spend all that time just drinking juices and breathing and urging memories to float to the top and teasing emotions to the front. You are in such a safe environment and encouraged to stop thinking and start paying REAL attention to how you feel every moment and of course I had been doing my own learning too when I had spare time. I feasted on Alchemy Past & Present (The Royal Art of Transformation) and Eckhart Tolle's Findhorn Retreat. I spent a lot of my time really trying to bring myself to the present to truly notice and feel what's happening at every moment.
I jumped in the car with one of the girls heading for Manchester and the journey took us all along the Welsh coastline which was stunning and then 3 hours right through the middle of autumn. Beautiful and a perfect, perfect finish.
Once your body has fasted for 6 days you have to be very careful introducing solids which if I'm honest in the past I've paid no attention to when I've done short detoxes but this time something has changed. I actually have no interest whatsoever in a glass of wine or a beer, or foods that aren't good for me. Somehow I've found a deep respect for all the organs in my body and that's a new thing for me. All in just one week.
I have to slowly introduce foods back into my everyday and be gentle with my body and myself which is usually a difficult thing but something feels so good deep inside now and I don't want it to go away so I feel quite happy to go along slowly. I wake up every morning really early and I'm straight out of bed and bright eyed and bushy tailed! That hasn't happened since I was a kid. I feel relaxed. I don't feel sluggish or tired. All the things I was feeling before have cleared.
I tell you what - it was mad to walk around the city centre the afternoon I got back - everyone seemed so stressed and busy. The lines on peoples faces seemed to give me a window into their everyday. I watched for a while and it felt like I'd been given a brand new pair of seeing glasses! The world looked so different. I have to say too, as I walked around so many people seemed to take a second look at me or turn round to watch me pass. I think I must've had a big smile on my face.
It didn't last though as quite quickly my life came back in and my phone started ringing and emails flowed and work piled and it's taking me time to figure out how to use the new tools I have been given on the retreat but it is working slowly and I'll get there. Its so difficult to remember that we are each in charge of making ourselves feel good. I often expect treatment from others to make me feel good and now I'm starting to work out how that works. Its my job to feel good and if someone else's behaviour stresses me out its up to me to not be affected by it and if I am, to walk away and not be offended by it but to look after myself. I certainly don't need to flare up which is what I'm used to doing! I'm learning. I won't ever go back to how stressed I was before I went in.
Best part is my voice feels like a brand new instrument and is able to do things I couldn't before even before warming up.
So, another life changing experience for me and I'm sure for everyone who was there.
Thanks for reading - its been lovely to know that someone is there. My EP is here if you haven't got it yet. Till the next Crazy Fm reason... Crazy Fm - not in the morning - in yer mind. x
Friday, 11 November 2011
I woke up numb. More numb than I have felt for a long time. I had no interest in outside, opening the window, showering, swimming or the morning meditation. I checked my emails which just depressed me and I lay down and stared at my computer screen. I felt nothing but deep sadness. Then it changed. Anxiety joined in. So, I lay down in my beautiful little wood burning cottage whilst anxiety and sadness had a party in my head and heart. I got up and managed to get myself over to the meeting house. I did none of the things I should before meditation. I told noone how I felt and looked noone in the eye. I took a blanket and sat down and shut my eyes. Panic and sadness and now anger and bitterness were all staring at me. I opened my eyes. I stared at the hills. Then the group meditation began. Just the breathing alone helped. Then my mind calmed. Then meditation was over and it was juice time. I am a day behind everyone as I went to a beautiful funeral on friday so today everyone has been feeling ready to get out of here whilst I was wondering if they might give me a job as a cleaner or something so I would never have to go back and face reality.
I drank my juice and sat listening to the others - so many breakthroughs and life changing moments and wonderful realisations and I felt nothing but dread, worry and deflation. They were all very excited about breaking the fast and tasting food and the thought made me feel awful.
I did my final colonic for the week and epsom salt scrub and headed over to the farmhouse for our raw food feast. Now, I have to say when I walked in the farmhouse I was greeted by the most beautiful banquet I have ever seen! Long table for us all to sit around and bear in mind I hadn't seen or eaten a solid food now for 6 days - WOW. It was stunning. I wish I'd taken photos for you. Raw foods had been sculpted, shaped and magicked into love hearts, sprinkles, beautifully presented gourmet looking dishes.
We all sat to eat and toasted our water to the chef and began. I have to say I have never in my life tasted things as they tasted today. Because my tongue has healed and cleared and is healthy and my tastebuds detoxed every thing I tasted I felt its flavours. Just wonderful. I ate mindfully as I was a wee bit scared of feeling any more ill than I felt and I didn't each much at all. I just enjoyed all the flavours as they took me over.
I left the table early as everyone else was hatty and excited and I still numb and went off to read a book outside.
I stared at the donkeys and along came one of the therapists. We discussed the pains I had in my Pancreas and how I felt down and nauseous and when I said anxious she looked very happy and said 'Ah -so yesterday you had finished the physical detox - now you begin the emotional one.' Great...
She talked of how the pancreas pain can emotionally have a lot to do with not shining your light or as in my case being too much on a mission - storing emotions there to be dealt with 'someday'. I thanked her and said I'd have a think. This lovely and extremely insightful lady said that she knew I had been asked to sing during the evening and that I should only do it if I felt it felt good to do. I told her that that part was fine and I would just do it. Then she made me see something. I always do that. I always say yes to the mission my crazy mission even if I don't want to!
I then cried, wailed, sobbed, held by belly and dribbled like a toddler. Then, got up and went back to my cottage. another therapist turned up with tissues and a blanket and offered to 'drop me right in the middle of the emotions I was feeling and said she could help. She then guided me through what I can only say is like a replacement for going out on a bender to deal with yourself but a million times better! After, she left and I felt wonderful.
I then went for a lovely walk through autumn with my cottage mate who is also an artist and we walked really slowly to enjoy the sounds and everything around us.
We then all had soup - WOW! And a tiny piece of homemade cake with nothing but goodness in it and let me tell you people when you have detoxed this much and gone through this kind of thing cake made out of dates and nuts and rasberries etc tasted INCREDIBLE!
I then sang a few songs and although I nearly crumbled in the first one from real adrenaline and nerves it was lovely and they were such a lovely and attentive gentle and child like audience. They oooooh-ed and aaahhhh-ed and picked out lyrics and chose their favourite and we all hypnotised ourselves with music.
Then a few of us ran outside to the beautiful full moon and jumped in the outdoor hot tub and enjoyed the moon, the view and inner calm. We all talked about how the 11th of the 11th of 2011 is meant to mean brand new beginnings. Sauna after that. Lovely. They all left after that back to their cottages and I stood in my bikini in the cold night (feeling warm and lovely!) and asked the moon to grant me some wishes and I prayed. Bed. xxxxxx
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
Last night I did a lot of work with myself I thought, stopped thinking, read, asked, thought and then went for a sauna and a swim. I was dreading the sauna and the swim because I felt so weak and tired but none-the-less off I went and when I was in the sauna I stopped thinking and noticed the moment that I was in. Lovely. I rarely do pull myself to the present as I am usually finishing a project or two and starting another and dreaming up 15 more but this week I have really begun to be right in the middle of each moment. Hippy-toffle I hear you shout. Feels good though when you land right in the middle of now.
I had a dreadful night last night as I had a session with one of the amazing therapists here on forgiveness and self-love which was a beautiful session and I learnt a lot and worked through some stuff that I have held onto for years and years - GONE. Completely gone. I will never have to feel any bitterness or upset or anger towards the issues and people we dealt with yesterday ever again. Now that is amazing. Afterwards some pretty serious physical stuff happened to my body and my colonic showed some crazy stuff - I won't tell you but it is incredible what you have stored in your body that it just doesn't need or want. Anyway my gallbladder (which I've had problems with in the past) detoxed a lot last night as did my liver and I had a painful night.
I spoke to the therapists and they sent various people to my cottage who gave me acupuncture and massages and the colonic therapist worked with me and it all worked. My body has transformed this afternoon into total calm and I feeeeeeeeeel amazing.
When you detox your body kicks out toxins from all the organs and throws them into the colon ready to be chucked out but the body is confused about what to do with the kind of toxins we put into our bodies so it sends most of them back into the blood stream to be processed which puts them all back into organs and tissues which is why you need the colonics apparently. Our big health problem as humans is that we feed our cells with toxins constantly and although the body has an incredible ability to detox we sometimes put one toxin too many for it to cope with and the body picks up diseases or develops them and we can get very ill. Detoxes like this can help to reset us and purge toxins and replace the body with the nutrients it needs to help it do what it does so well.
Oh dear sorry - I hope I'm not boring you!!!
So, this morning I woke up and was shocked at how white my teeth are! All from oil swishing. WHAT IS OIL SWISHING I hear you say? Well, you detox and the body tries to get rid of toxins and one thing that's heavily affected is the tongue which goes whitish (should be pink when you look at it and not dry) so you have to oil swish here every morning by swishing one table spoon of oil around the mouth for a couple of minutes then spitting it out and brushing teeth as normal. It isn't very nice but my teeth are white, my tongue healthy and my sense of taste and smell outrageously heightened!
My flatmate today was shocked at how well I look. She said she she was shocked at how I look like I have had a facelift or something. Any tired skin, wrinkles or bags are completely gone. I look years younger and brighter.
So, now I'm off for a session with an astrologist who is going to look at my birth chart - this is an extra to the detox but a fun one!
Ah I told you I would tell you about the painting I am going to paint... The forgiveness session I did yesterday is called the journey and the therapist leads you back into your childhood to essentially grow you back up with the nurturing we all need. Its really lovely and very gentle and afterwards even those who feel like they've totally dealt with their childhoods feel so much lighter afterwards. So, I closed my eyes and she said, 'imagine where you store your pain in your body and shrink yourself to a tiny you and climb into that part of your body. So, I imagined myself sitting japanese style facing away and the top of my back was open with two doors much like those of a castle and inside there were lots of post tags hanging with peoples names on. So, I will paint that picture when I get home. The therapist was really laughing at my imagination all the way through - ghandi, aladins genie, the dalai lama, balloons filled with kindness, appreciation and security, chandeliers, a huge diamond and a giant chocolate truffle were all part of my journey. x
Sunday, 6 November 2011
For more info on the detox retreat please click here
So i've booked into a health farm in beautiful wales. Why? Cause I haven't stopped since last January! I get the feeling everything is about to go crazy so I thought best to ready this body to deal with the things I would like to create.
My train down here left Manchester at 11.30 and I arrived at 7.30! Just one train. Crazily, my retreat seemed to begin right there as I my phone ran out of juice before I hit the train, then my computer did the same, no sockets on the train I decided to read my book - which I had left on my bed in Manchester. So, I had an 8 hour trip with nothing and noone but the millions of voices in my head. Luckily the views were outstanding and the train travelled right down the beautiful coastline and I am happy by the sea.
Its pretty incredible here though. Wood burning stove, beautiful wee cottage and a lovely house friend. Each year I go away for a while and take some sort of sabbatical type break - so a few years ago it was New York for a month, a month in Ireland, a few months in Sheffield to write an album and this year its this - 7 days of fresh juice, meditation, various different therapies, sauna, colonics, rest and nutrition classes (and a beautiful outdoor hot tub overlooking a wild rolling Welsh view).
I'm usually quite good at knowing what foods to eat and how to cook but some of the things I've learnt here are mind blowing. I live a hectic lifestyle and am constantly thinking Ill get round to meditating at some point in life and rarely give my body a good break and force it through one too many nights out when its tired. I survive on adrenaline and catch a breath when I can. I'm here at the health farm for 7 days on a juice diet with 12 other people (13 women and 1 man who coincidentally is also a Gibraltarian!!)
Today is actually day 2 for me but I couldn't work out if writing this blog was a good idea or not but today I feel I actually should. I'll keep a little diary here so you can read a teeny tiny bit about what this is like. I wish you well.
PS. Our single came out today with some special extras for you all - you can get it here