I woke up numb. More numb than I have felt for a long time. I had no interest in outside, opening the window, showering, swimming or the morning meditation. I checked my emails which just depressed me and I lay down and stared at my computer screen. I felt nothing but deep sadness. Then it changed. Anxiety joined in. So, I lay down in my beautiful little wood burning cottage whilst anxiety and sadness had a party in my head and heart. I got up and managed to get myself over to the meeting house. I did none of the things I should before meditation. I told noone how I felt and looked noone in the eye. I took a blanket and sat down and shut my eyes. Panic and sadness and now anger and bitterness were all staring at me. I opened my eyes. I stared at the hills. Then the group meditation began. Just the breathing alone helped. Then my mind calmed. Then meditation was over and it was juice time. I am a day behind everyone as I went to a beautiful funeral on friday so today everyone has been feeling ready to get out of here whilst I was wondering if they might give me a job as a cleaner or something so I would never have to go back and face reality.
I drank my juice and sat listening to the others - so many breakthroughs and life changing moments and wonderful realisations and I felt nothing but dread, worry and deflation. They were all very excited about breaking the fast and tasting food and the thought made me feel awful.
I did my final colonic for the week and epsom salt scrub and headed over to the farmhouse for our raw food feast. Now, I have to say when I walked in the farmhouse I was greeted by the most beautiful banquet I have ever seen! Long table for us all to sit around and bear in mind I hadn't seen or eaten a solid food now for 6 days - WOW. It was stunning. I wish I'd taken photos for you. Raw foods had been sculpted, shaped and magicked into love hearts, sprinkles, beautifully presented gourmet looking dishes.
We all sat to eat and toasted our water to the chef and began. I have to say I have never in my life tasted things as they tasted today. Because my tongue has healed and cleared and is healthy and my tastebuds detoxed every thing I tasted I felt its flavours. Just wonderful. I ate mindfully as I was a wee bit scared of feeling any more ill than I felt and I didn't each much at all. I just enjoyed all the flavours as they took me over.
I left the table early as everyone else was hatty and excited and I still numb and went off to read a book outside.
I stared at the donkeys and along came one of the therapists. We discussed the pains I had in my Pancreas and how I felt down and nauseous and when I said anxious she looked very happy and said 'Ah -so yesterday you had finished the physical detox - now you begin the emotional one.' Great...
She talked of how the pancreas pain can emotionally have a lot to do with not shining your light or as in my case being too much on a mission - storing emotions there to be dealt with 'someday'. I thanked her and said I'd have a think. This lovely and extremely insightful lady said that she knew I had been asked to sing during the evening and that I should only do it if I felt it felt good to do. I told her that that part was fine and I would just do it. Then she made me see something. I always do that. I always say yes to the mission my crazy mission even if I don't want to!
I then cried, wailed, sobbed, held by belly and dribbled like a toddler. Then, got up and went back to my cottage. another therapist turned up with tissues and a blanket and offered to 'drop me right in the middle of the emotions I was feeling and said she could help. She then guided me through what I can only say is like a replacement for going out on a bender to deal with yourself but a million times better! After, she left and I felt wonderful.
I then went for a lovely walk through autumn with my cottage mate who is also an artist and we walked really slowly to enjoy the sounds and everything around us.
We then all had soup - WOW! And a tiny piece of homemade cake with nothing but goodness in it and let me tell you people when you have detoxed this much and gone through this kind of thing cake made out of dates and nuts and rasberries etc tasted INCREDIBLE!
I then sang a few songs and although I nearly crumbled in the first one from real adrenaline and nerves it was lovely and they were such a lovely and attentive gentle and child like audience. They oooooh-ed and aaahhhh-ed and picked out lyrics and chose their favourite and we all hypnotised ourselves with music.
Then a few of us ran outside to the beautiful full moon and jumped in the outdoor hot tub and enjoyed the moon, the view and inner calm. We all talked about how the 11th of the 11th of 2011 is meant to mean brand new beginnings. Sauna after that. Lovely. They all left after that back to their cottages and I stood in my bikini in the cold night (feeling warm and lovely!) and asked the moon to grant me some wishes and I prayed. Bed. xxxxxx
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